Dr Gagu Matsebula: Living with a Narcissistic Parent?
What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)?
People with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are typically described as arrogant, conceited, and haughty. Despite this exaggerated self-image, they rely on other people’s constant praise and attention. Consequently, people with NPD are very sensitive to criticism, which they deem to be a personal attack.
How is NPD diagnosed?
NPD is diagnosed by a mental health care practitioner, such as a Psychiatrist or Psychologist. People with NPD may display the following features:
They display a sense of self-importance.
They are preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success/brilliance.
They have an excessive need for admiration.
They are convinced of their uniqueness, and that they are only understood by other special people.
People with NPD engage in interpersonal exploitation, wherein they take advantage of others.
They may display arrogant attitudes.
People with NPD tend to lack empathy and are unwilling to recognize others’ needs/feelings.
They may be envious of others, or may believe that others are envious of them.
Does this mean that Narcisstic people have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)?
Narcissism is a term used to describe those who seem more concerned with themselves than others. But not all people with narcissism have NPD. While narcissistic traits may be common at times, such as childhood and adolescence, this does not necessarily mean those people will develop NPD.
While a person with narcissistic traits may display occasional selfishness and exhibit sporadic manipulative behaviours, they can show empathy and form deep bonds. A person with NPD displays narcissistic features consistently, has difficulty showing empathy, and is unlikely to form deep bonds.
How prevalent is NPD, and what causes it?
Studies show that an estimated 1% of the population has NPD. While the exact cause is unknown, research has identified some factors – whose interaction may contribute to the disorder – namely early life experiences, genes, and biology.
Some of the early life experiences thought to contribute to NPD include:
Trauma.
Parents overindulging their children, and shielding them from consequences of their actions.
Unreliable parenting.
Does NPD run in families?
While growing up in a household with narcissists doesn’t guarantee that a child/teen will end up with NPD, a lot of the necessary conditions for developing the disorder are created by such an environment.
Different forms of talk therapy (psychotherapy) exist that can assist with difficulties faced by people with NPD. What makes such interventions challenging is that the person with NPD may not recognise their challenges and may not be amenable to undergo therapy.
How can I know if my parent has NPD?
Understanding the common traits of a parent with NPD can help identify their controlling behaviours. Here are some possible signs:
They need to be the centre of attention
Narcissistic parents thrive on attention and try to ensure that every situation revolves around them, even when their children are involved. Narcissistic parents tend to exploit their children’s successes for personal gain.
They are unable to take accountability
Parents with NPD often do not know how to take responsibility for their actions; a hallmark of this personality disorder. They deflect responsibility by blaming their children during conflicts or challenges.
There is little concern for others’ needs & feelings
Parents ordinarily care deeply about their children’s feelings. However, a parent with NPD finds it difficult to put their needs aside for the benefit of others.
They tend to be manipulative & exploitative
Parents with NPD are adroit at manipulation. Their love is conditional, and they frequently use narcissistic manipulation tactics, such as blaming or guilt-tripping to control their children.
They will do anything to be the “Best”
Parents with NPD may shift attention back to themselves by overshadowing or pushing aside the accomplishments/struggles of their children.
They lower your confidence
Constant criticism is one of the signs of parents with NPD. To maintain authority, they will insult their children to feel better about themselves.
They have poor boundaries
Narcissistic parents will habitually cross boundaries. They encounter no problem bending the rules because of the belief that these do not apply to them.
What are the effects of being raised by a narcissistic parent?
Being raised by a narcissist can severely impact one’s mental well-being. Children of parents with NPD often struggle with mood disorders, self-blaming tendencies, shame, and low self-esteem. The effects of narcissistic parenting can also contribute to relational and emotional regulation difficulties.
Below are common traits of adult children raised by narcissistic parents:
Inability to focus on their own needs.
Anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem.
Feeling undeserving of happiness.
Self-blaming behaviours.
Prioritizing the happiness of others.
Feelings of shame and guilt.
Inability to create and instil boundaries.
How to Deal With a Narcissistic Parent
Confronting a narcissistic parent may be quite difficult. Remember that your feelings and point of view are also important. The emotional toll can be significant, but here are some tips for managing relationships:
Realize what is happening
A narcissistic parent thrives on their sense of control, and you will pay if you do not bend to their will. Getting their needs met is more valuable than having a functional family structure. If you try to compromise, they will only manipulate the situation in their favour. You need to realize that this is not normal behaviour.
Accept their behaviour & let go
Accepting who they are will reduce your anxiety. The negative words and actions aimed at you are really projections of how they feel about themselves, that is, they are deeply wounded individuals.
Resist gaslighting attempts
Unfortunately, it is common for parents with NPD to make their children feel crazy or delusional. A narcissistic parent will tell you it is sunny outside during a hurricane. Ignoring these narcissistic phrases and working on your self-esteem and confidence is key to survival.
Prioritize self-compassion
After enduring the years’ long challenges of a parent with NPD, prioritizing self-compassion is essential and non-negotiable. Acknowledge your resilience in navigating this difficult relationship. Focus on learning to self-soothe and provide yourself the love, care, and validation that may have been absent during your upbringing. Remember, your well-being deserves attention and nurturing. Recovering from such a childhood is not an easy process. It will take time. So, be patient and learn to forgive yourself. It is okay to put your needs first, take time for yourself, and choose when to offer energy and support to others. It is okay to say no without offering an explanation.
Lean on other support systems
Children of parents with NPD may have difficulty validating their experiences. Seeking out the support of others is essential when recovering from the effects of narcissistic parenting. Create your own social network of friends, co-workers, or social clubs.
Assert your boundaries
A parent with NPD will often test and cross your boundaries simply to prove they can. They may show up uninvited to your home, break family rules, or play favourites with your children. You must set boundaries and enforce consequences when necessary.
Seek professional help
How to Support a Loved One With Narcissistic Parents
To support a loved one dealing with narcissistic abuse, you must first educate yourself on the disorder. Read articles on NPD, be compassionate, and offer a safe space to share their experience.
Here are some ways to support a loved one:
Avoid blaming them, as they are the victim in the scenario.
Be compassionate and listen to their story.
Validate their feelings.
Help them create a safe space to share their experience.
Be patient with them during their healing process.
Advise them to seek professional support.
REFERENCES:
[1] https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-narcissistic-personality-disorder-2795446
[2] https://www.verywellmind.com/living-with-a-narcissist-tips-for-how-to-cope-5211902
[3] https://www.choosingtherapy.com/narcissistic-manipulation-tactics/
[4] https://www.choosingtherapy.com/raised-by-narcissists/
[5] https://www.choosingtherapy.com/emotional-regulation/
[6] https://www.choosingtherapy.com/things-narcissists-say/
[7] https://www.choosingtherapy.com/self-soothing/
[8] https://www.choosingtherapy.com/how-to-forgive-yourself/
AUTHOR
DR GS Matsebula
E-mail: info@drmatsebula.co.za
Phone: 078 697 6147